This illness has a pattern, its called ordered chaos.

My remission has reached its self-limiting end. About 9 years ago I read a book on ME by, I think it was William Collinge, although it could have been by someone else. In it he said that ME was self-limiting. It runs out of steam. Nice theory if it were true. Well, in the last couple of months I felt WONDERFUL. I felt WHOLE. I walked UPRIGHT, instead of stooping like a man twice my age. I didn't think about it, it just was natural. I told everyone that's it, I'm better. I didn't need to tell them, they could see I looked different. Although I've had many remissions in the past, this seemed the remission of all remissions. The past two years were of continuous wretchedness with just the odd day where I felt slightly better (but still achy and affected) and then quite rapidly a complete sea change, I was reborn, so unbelievable. I'm an atheist, I have a scientific mind and am quite cynical and yet you don't have to believe this, it was there in black and white.

In explaining to friends and relatives, I felt myself thinking this sounds mad, they must be thinking 'was he really so ill before'. In my new found state, I thought I don't want to go mad and overdo it and burn myself out, and so I didn't, I just enjoyed feeling well. And with this good physical feeling came an overwhelming confidence. I think that being ill for so long you don't realise what a drain it is on your psyche.

Alas, over a period of ten days I started to feel more and more tired. It got worse to the point that I had trouble concentrating, my legs became more and more fatigued and dozy. And then wham, it hit me. I awoke feeling rough and by late afternoon I felt I'd been run over by a ten-ton lorry, I was stiff, and aching from every part of my body and having to use all my brain-power just to stand still.

So it was great while it lasted. I made so many mental plans. They will have to go back on the back burner. Oh and this self-limiting theory about ME, it's just that, a theory. We should be writing our own books, based on experience i.e.the true facts.

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