But there comes a time when one has to face up to deciding what to do with one’s life. This came to the fore in my rather serious mind at about the age of 19. I felt no strong leanings in any direction.

Do I go for "success"? I could emigrate to the USA, work in electronics, make lots of money and get the freedom to do what I like later. Or maybe I could do research in atomic physics and try to contribute my ideas to the fundamentals of life. Or should I join the RAF, in which the technicalities of fast hi-tech aircraft did appeal to me, together with the camaraderie, the social life. Or something arty, like painting, or maybe architecture. Or do I travel, see the world for a while, and see what happens? Be "with it" and idealistic and join some kind of commune, about life as it should be, and sharing everything and "doing your own thing"? Do I go for helping people? Should I be a teacher or a university lecturer? I could volunteer for voluntary service overseas. Maybe I should adopt Christianity and be a missionary. How about forestry, or farming or horticulture? - Anything to do with the outdoors, the countryside, away from the degradation of urban life.

At the same time as all this, and partly through these things, I was searching in various ways to find some real meaning in or purpose for life: science, religion, education, social issues, the welfare of the planet, new lifestyles, art, music, etc. etc.

What is the purpose of life? Do I do whatever it is for myself or for other people primarily? Or somehow for "God", but that seemed elusive or obscure. Is it about competition or co-operation? Liberal or conservative or socialist? Right wing or left wing? As part of a team somehow? All that sort of stuff.

Until I realized that no one I’d ever met actually knew what was the purpose of life, or even recognized the question, this seemed, in one sense, a hopeless irritating pursuit. At the age of 20 I’d come to the conclusion that real answers were not to be found through ordinary academic studies. After 10 further years of searching for some practical solution, and a lot of reading, with some determination, if not desperation, I did find someone who talked common sense and helped me.

He suggested I read P.D.Ouspensky’s book, "In Search of the Miraculous", or as it is better called, "Fragments of an Unknown Teaching", or simply "Fragments". He also suggested I contact someone connected with the teachings of Mr G.I.Gurdjieff. Reading the Work books, including "Fragments", opened up new horizons for me, and this led to my studying Mr. Gurdjieff’s ideas and joining a Gurdjieff group and participating in the practical aspects of his teaching, fortunately in the form that it was originally transmitted by Mr Gurdjieff. It was an awakening. This dealt directly with my life in a new way. Things gradually started to fall into place.

I feel happy for those people I see who have worked for and found a fully satisfying career for themselves. I feel equally happy for those people who have worked for and found a long term loving partnership and a good family life. But for me this "something else" matters more. With this, maybe there will be the other things "next time" if I’m lucky. Without this, there would be an emptiness.

Nothing in life comes for free, though it may appear so in the short term. You reap what you sow. Fulfillment comes with a price tag. The bigger the prize the more you pay for it. We know that in careers or relationships, always efforts are demanded, sacrifices required. Sometimes I give willingly, sometimes I resist. Sometimes my best efforts are not enough. I find it similar regarding this "something else".

I tell myself not to worry too much about the state of the world. It’s not my job to fix it! Why do I agonize over these matters? Life is an amazing and wonderful thing, and responsibility for the situation I find myself in is a practical thing. For the most part it concerns quite rightly my immediate life, relationships, family, friends, career, lifestyle and so on. I recall the man who insisted that he made all the important decisions in his family – what political party to vote for, what stand to have regarding free trade, the United Nations etc. The less important things he left to his wife – his job, area they lived in, house, children’s education… However it might appear, a day is 24 hours of one human life like any other. That is my material.

Questions relating to the state of the world and one’s own part in it are thrust on to one’s attention by life circumstances. My colleagues at work seemed largely to succeed in living their lives without needing these fanciful deliberations, and good luck to them! For the most part so did I.

Do you feel sometimes, like I did, as if you are being driven along in a stampede of people blindly charging ahead to "heaven knows where"? Do you feel the energy in it? The new technologies seem to be the food, the means as it were, by which so much of this energy is consumed in these blindly charging people. But I don’t think it’s essentially different from say 40 years ago, it just feels more blatant, the forces more powerful and insistent, the consequences potentially more calamitous. During the 20+ years that I worked for this electronics company, it successfully grew into a big international organization, and in this respect I am sure it is typical of many others that have embraced modern computer technology. Looking at our situation, all sat at our desks with our computer terminals, telephones, the ubiquitous paperwork and so on, in a big warm enclosed office, and with a never-ending supply of work to do, I felt we were like battery hens in their cages. We were useful as long as we produced "profit" and "growth", just like laying eggs. We employees, at all levels of seniority, were as mechanical in our activities as the computers, just more advanced.

From Memoirs of Childhood and Youth, Albert Schweitzer:

To this fact, that we are each a secret to the other, we have to reconcile ourselves. To know one another cannot mean to know everything about each other; it means to feel mutual affection and confidence, and to believe in one another. To analyse others – unless it be to help back to a sound mind someone who is in spiritual or intellectual confusion – is a rude commencement, for there is a modesty of soul which we must recognise, just as we do that of the body. The soul too has its clothing of which we must not deprive it, and no one has a right to say to another: "Because we belong to each other as we do, I have a right to know all your thoughts". In this matter giving is the only valuable process; it is only giving that stimulates. Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them. Only those who respect the personality of others can be of real use to them.

It took me years before I could accept this – it is not possible to work on your self-development on your own - your nature is too strong. As someone who naturally seeks to escape from the conflicts that life imposes upon me, joining a group such as I discovered a Gurdjieff group to be was a last resort. I would far rather have spent the time on my own gazing over remote landscapes.

Time with the group was spent continually with other people, working according to a demanding programme. But it was in the presence of those same people who like me had searched for and had now found here something they felt to be real. It was also in the presence of people who had been with the group for many years. I also knew this was thanks to the work of our teacher who had been a pupil of Mr Gurdjieff himself. Having once met and spoken with her, I had known beyond doubt what I must do.

It was difficult but I was in the right place. Always there were demands on me that had to be faced. I was experiencing more in hours than I had ever experienced in days or weeks or ever. At the same time any notions I may have had that this was to be elitist or some kind of cult was mercilessly quashed, being faced with the reality of the situation. This was no escapism either, because I was in the presence of people who could see me for what I really was. This was not a pretty sight, and I understood I was in exactly the right place to learn.

To evolve, to pursue self-development, you have to take the knocks, as this is the way to learn. This is not a comfortable experience, and there is always something in you that longs to slide back to sleep, which is easier and comforting. Climbing this particular mountain is not for wimps, as I learnt even more clearly only recently. There are always challenges of one kind or another which have to be faced, and I meet them as best I can, which can be a sobering experience.

If I had once wondered whether the purpose of life was to do whatever it is for myself or for other people or for God, perhaps I can answer this now "YES". The Work involves work on oneself, and it involves work with other people. As for God, I began to realize why this concept had been suspect to me. It had been difficult to reconcile the idea of "doing good" in a social sense with anything in me that gave me any right to show anyone how they should behave. Everything anyone had ever taught me was how to behave, rather than what to do myself in order to know how to behave. No one had ever taught me. No one seemed to have any idea or even to recognize the question.

Being in the group changed all that. You are inevitably confronted with situations where you are required to decide what to do, right there and then. In deciding this, you are aware of the group environment, that you are working with other people on the same path as you, and of influences from people further along that path. So because you are there with a need, an aim, you can learn from the challenge presented.

One aspect of this maybe divine release is the humour of it all. In the genuine striving that early pupils tend to have, and quite understandably, they may over-emphasize the importance of their own problems. Together with the very reality of it all, there is also the sheer absurdity of our situation. For anyone, maybe even to those already involved in the Gurdjieff Work, I do recommend they read "Boyhood with Gurdjieff", also "Gurdjieff Remembered" by Fritz Peters. Mr Gurdjieff himself often made life difficult for his pupils, treated them abominably, which a pupil was far from likely to appreciate at the time, but later, maybe years later, he would recognize the inner growth that had come from that experience.

After spending time with the group, holding on to what you have experienced is like carrying water in a sieve, it all leaks out except a few drops. But although one ends up reacting to things in the same old ways particular to each of us, if you continue and make real efforts things gradually become not quite the same as before. Something in you remembers, and does not totally control you the way it did. You have allowed a change to take place within yourself.

One of the sayings in Gurdjieff’s book "Meetings with Remarkable Men" is: If there is ‘I’ in one’s presence, then God and Devil are of no account. Gurdjieff’s first great work is called "Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson". The release from social concepts of God and doing "good works" I see very much as a step forward.

Of course this will do nothing real for you. That is impossible. I cannot relate to you how to do anything. You have to make the necessary efforts yourself. No one gets, or is entitled to get, anything real from just reading an article. It is impossible. It takes time, it takes effort, you’ve got to search for it and so it depends on how much you need it. Perhaps you don’t need it. Perhaps you just think you need it. Nearly everything in you will tell you that it can wait until tomorrow, when you’ve had your dinner, or when things get a bit easier.  

In my experience, and it took me years before I could accept this – you cannot do this on your own. As someone who naturally seeks to escape from the conflicts that life imposes upon me, joining a group such as I discovered a Gurdjieff group to be was a last resort. I would far rather have spent the time on my own gazing over remote landscapes. Time with the group was spent continually with other people, working according to a demanding programme. But it was in the presence of those same people who like me had searched for and had now found here something they felt to be real. It was also in the presence of people who had been with the group for many years. I also knew this was thanks to the work of our teacher who had been a pupil of Mr Gurdjieff himself. Having once met and spoken with her, I had known beyond doubt what I must do.

If you cannot answer the question "Who am I?" it is because you have no "I", you are here, there, and everywhere, blown like a straw in the wind, for all your apparently logical appreciation of the world around you. You are at ground level. With real work you climb a little and get a new perspective, can begin to say "I". You begin to have a measure with which to measure yourself. Then such questions are no longer impossible, but neither are they easy. You must pay, pay a lot.

The task of discovering for what purpose you have been put on this planet, and in the place, time and circumstances in which you find yourself, is not easy. Do you expect that it should be? Do you imagine it can be some part time interest or hobby to be fitted in when you have the time or inclination? Do you think it’s the responsibility of "other people" to tell you, to make it easy for you? Are you so hypnotized by present-day commercialism that you imagine that you can buy it with money? Do you expect someone to come along and sell you an easy comfortable pain-free never-to-be-repeated bargain offer? A quick fix way to Heaven – or nowadays Happiness – on instant credit?

At first, the slope is not so steep, little is expected of you. Later, if you are able, more is expected. So things do not get any easier the longer you stay in such a group, rather the reverse. If you surmount one obstacle that means you may be ready for a bigger one, indeed maybe you have a right to ask for it. That is why the mountain I have shown is Mount Fuji, which gets steeper the further up you climb. But then there is something in you that is not swept along by the storms raging below.

From Mount Analogue, Rene Daumal:

Whilst reading these pages, especially if you are an adult, your mechanical nature will be functioning efficiently, enabling you not to be terrified by all this. Fortunately for you there is a self-calming feature within your automatic functioning, so that you do not have to worry about it at all. Beyond the age of 20 or so you are on auto-pilot. As an adult your development, your evolution, your capacity to change, has finished already. You can live perfectly well your "three score years and ten" or whatever without reality. Without even realizing it, you have already put what I have to say in a category, a file, a pre-established slot. You will have put some label on it in your mind, so that it cannot touch you. Lucky you!

It may just be possible that you still have a choice. Either to continue to be a slave to every passing influence both inside and outside you. Or to begin to become aware of just who and what you are and what you were born for. In the first way all the energy you use will serve the same purpose in the larger scheme of things as other creatures on this planet. The second way involves the Great Art of Transformation, which means that you gradually learn, at the same time as outwardly participating in life, to direct some of your energy differently. You are transforming energy to a higher frequency, enabling evolution to proceed through you, and creating something else that is not restricted to your physical lifetime.

I have said, "Life does not have to be meaningless". Most people of course do not have any problem about life being meaningless - they just get on with it, and maybe say there are better things to do with their time than bother about such things. But the fact is, there are also people like me for whom the matter of the "meaninglessness of life" has been, for whatever reason, very much something to bother about. It is primarily for people who have a need to address this need that I write these essays, in hope, and also for myself.

Nothing evolves mechanically. Evolution for man is connected with his development through his own conscious efforts. The world may be considered as the laboratory of life, in which you can experiment. Scientifically speaking, working as you do in this laboratory of life, you may seek to modify the process that nature has supplied for your experiment. The object under investigation is the creature you were born with and its interactions with its environment.

If you can choose to do this you are effectively working against nature, and at the same time working towards your own true individuality. You may or may not come to discover that with a practised self-awareness and a keen attention, your creature will begin to be able and willing to respond to external circumstances in harmony with what you truly wish. That would be progress indeed, as you would then begin to have real values and to understand what happiness really is, and what your life is for. It might also, incidentally, go some way to repaying the Being responsible for your existence for taking the time and trouble to give you life in the first place.

But then what does a philosopher know about the Meaning of Life? If you want to know the Meaning of Life, then next time you go to your local supermarket, ask the person at the checkout. You’ll almost certainly get a better answer. Not that I’ve anything against philosophers, you understand. I’m sure they’re very nice people.