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Welcome to the Jamaican Teachers Information Link UK |
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A Bellyful of Laughs
Mi waan go ah Jeopardy now!! A man went to a travel agency in a panic, demanding that the travel agent write him a ticket to jeopardy, as he needed to get there ASAP. Thinking that she had not heard the man correctly, the lady asked him to repeat his proposed destination, to which he replied: 'lady, mi hah fi get to Jeopardy'. The agent, still feeling quite perplexed by the man's request yet noting his agitated state, decided to search her airline computers on the chance that she may find such a listing, but her fears were soon realised when the computer came up with a blank as an answer.Her attempts to scan the Official Airline Guide for a routing proved futile also and by this time the man had begun to pace the floor. "Sir", the agent beckoned to the man, "I have exhausted all my contacts and cannot find this 'Jeopardy' that you say you must get to. Are you absolutely sure you have the correct name?" she enquired in exasperation as the man came to sit by her. "Lady", he replied, "Mi hear over the radio that over 5000 jobs will be in JEOPARDY an' a deh mi waan fi go!" Beating di gate Big John was watching a football match at the National Stadium when, during half-time, his brother Little John, shirt torn, dripping sweat and looking generally disheveled, dropped into the seat beside him. Taking out a huge purple rag and wiping his face he said:"Big John mi bredda, mi know seh mi late an' mi stay a way, but a jus' so. Mi jump tree fence,fight off two guard dog, run lef 4 policeman, wrassle wid a security guard, crawl tru one tunnel, ketch ticks, tear mi pants, lose mi watch, miss half di match, and a tiad. But it worth it. Mi beat di gate!! Mi nuh pay com een!!" Looking at him sadly Big John said: "Mi bredda, mi hate fi tell yu dis, but di match free!!"Mango tree stoning Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango right in the top, when one said to the other: "All de stone we a stone, suppose de mango no ripe?" "True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh." The first man then climbed the tree, went way to the top where the limbs were dangerously thin, felt the mango and came back down. "It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling stone fi nutten." They then began to stone the mango tree again. Execution fumbles Three men, a Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was the first to face them. He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as the command : "Ready, aim..." was given he shouted "Earthquake!". Terrified at such a natural disaster, the firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped. When the Trinidadian's turn came, after "Ready, aim..." he shouted "Hurricane!". Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away and he escaped. The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was sure he would escape.As the command "Ready, aim..." was given, with a broad grin he shouted: "Fire!"
The coconut or the dread? A dread and a blind man were good friends. One day they decided they would pick some coconuts to sell. They agreed that the dread would climb the coconut tree, pick the coconuts and throw them down. The blind man would listen for where they dropped, pick them up and put them in a bag. After doing this for a few minutes, the dread accidentally lost his balance and fell out of the tree. Said the blind man: "Anodder one like dat dready and we gawn clear!"
Jah will save me A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he waited patiently.After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and I. "So the boat left.A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid the dread followed by a helicopter and each time the Ras replied: "Jah will save di I." Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked: "Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi prayer?" "Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat, plane and helicopter fi yuh." Only a Jamaican There were three men living together in London, a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who wereall starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However,upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.
The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the check.
"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trinidadian leave.
Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food.
"But I paid you!" The Bardadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the Barbadian, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Barbadian go.
Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.
After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said,
"Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so.....................
Before he could finish, the Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"
Di confession
Donovan was on his death bed. His wife Puncie was maintaining a vigil by his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Mih dahlin Puncie," he whispered. "Hush mih love," she said. "Rest. Shhh...doh talk." He was insistent. "Puncie" he said, in his tired voice. "Me have someting me haffi confess to yuh." "Yuh have nothing to confess." replied the weeping Puncie. "Everyting alright, go to sleep mih love." "No, no, me haffi die in peace Puncie, Me sleep wid yuh sister, yh cuzin, yuh best friend and yuh madda." "Me know," answered Puncie, "dat's why me poison yuh."
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