BIG McSTEAK
Shame-faced councillers were forced to admit today that St Mary in the
Castle, one of Hastings' most famous landmarks, is to become a cow processing
factory. A spokesman for Ahamay Meat (Huddersfield) Ltd.,issued this
statement;
"Yes, we have been granted change of use permission
by Hastings Borough Council on the premises known as St. Mary in the
Castle. Unfortunately, during the recent unwanted publicity surrounding
this decision, the word Abbattoir appears to have been given undue prominence.
I would like to put the record straight, not to mention the public's
mind at rest on this matter. To put it simply, cows will file in through
the main entrance on Pelham Crescent, and delicious sausages, pies and
meat-related products will emerge on the seafront via the lower entrance,
presently a tea shop, . Traffic will be diverted via Silverhill."
BURGHER
OFF
Speaking for the council,
Donald McRonald, the councillor in charge of Culture and Waste Disposal
for the Hastings area had this to say this morning;
"As usual, an unholy brouhaha, out
of all proper proportion, has been whipped up by the local gutter press,
which is one of the reasons we never told them about it in the first
place. This far-reaching and brave decision by Hastings Borough Council
will not only provide full employment-related opportunities for all,
particularly those with a penchant for chopping up cows into bite-size
pieces, but will also properly utilise a splendid old building whose
slaughterhouse potential has for too long been ignored. Let us hope
that this, along with the proposed 30ft electric fence which will eventually
surround the area, will satisfy the whinging conservationists once and
for all."
I WASN'T EVEN THERE GUV
Reading from a prepared statement he added; "I would also
like to take this opportunity to scotch certain scurrilous rumours which
have been brought to my attention recently viz a viz the matter of the
proposed redevelopement of the St. Mary in the Castle site ie:-
1. The fact that I am a non-executive director of
Ahamay Meat (Huddersfield) Ltd, had absolutely no bearing on the final
decision on this matter, which was taken at a properly convened council
meeting on my yacht in Saint Tropez during an official fact-finding
mission.
2. Much has been said about the alleged decline in
the quality of cultural events taking place at St. Mary in the Castle
recently. I am referring particularly to the appearance last month of
Mr.Rolf Hilter, the disgraced Bavarian professor whose claims that World
Wars I and II 'never happened' have shocked many right thinking people,
as well as myself. As councillor in charge of culture I take full responsibility
for Mr. Hilter's shameful rantings. The buck stops here, and the person
responsible, which wasn't me, has been sacked. The situation arose through
a simple misunderstanding between my secretary Ms Lulu LaVerne and the
booking agent Mr. Lou Mogulstein, who represents both Mr. Hilter and
Mr. Jim Davison, the respected comedien who was supposed to have appeared
that night. With reference to Mr. Davison's non-appearance, the fact
that only three members of the audience noticed is neither here nor
there."
Mr. McRonald is 52 and likes bouys
