SHITART
    From a queen-sized unmade bed at her luxery studio in Hampstead, Ms Eminem defended Hastings' bold new civic project:
"Basically, like all I am trying to say is like basically, everything is shit right? So like why not make it actually look like shit? Unfortunately I've never been much good at all that representative stuff, which is basically just art fascism, and that is why I have had to hire assistants to design and build the project at great personal expense. All this contributes to the final cost of course, and the public, who tend to be really thick where great art and stuff is concerned, will moan as usual. These are the same people who will quite happily spend millions on the NHS!"  
LET'S FAECE IT
    "But let's face it", she continued, "all great artists have their detractors. Reubens, for example, couldn't draw trees, and I think that eventually, after all this controversy and stuff has died down, the people of Hastings will come to view my giant golden turd as a kind of Tibetan-type temple of Victorian meditation, evoking as it does the grey whispy ghosts of turn-of the century gentlefolk, their mollycoddled dogs scattering little brown bomblets far and wide, like tiny malodourous land mines."
      Ms Eminem's provocative monoprint"My arse" won the Rorschatz Prize in 1997. Since then she has been criticised for her refusal to conform to artistic tradition, with works like "Pizza Remains", "Pissed", and the infamous "Gagging for it", in which a hoover bag is emptied over a dish of Vanilla ice cream, which is then eaten by tramps.

©guano associated press