Hello again my dear darling readers, how you must have
missed me! I'm sure I've no need to tell you that I was innocent of
all those charges. What more can I say??? I have no idea
how that boy got into my luggage. Anyway, time off for good behaviour
and a regular tarot reading for the governer, and here I am back in
the fold again and simply dying to give you some lovely big
predictions for the upcoming month............
Our guest astrologer was Hideo Mitisake, who
is now appearing in the Japanese version of Cats at the Nagasaki
Empire
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Capricorn (22 December-20 January)
The moon may stare at you. Well, stare right back! It's only a big shiny
rock!
Aquarius (21 January-19 February) An unsuccessful
burglary attempt upsets you greatly. Go round the back and in through
the conservatory next time. Gussets cause mayhem on the 29th.
Pisces (20 February-20 March) With Coriander
on the ascendent, those Piscians looking for love should beware ginger-haired
sailors. Carry a bucket for good luck on the 17th.
Aries (21 March-20 April) Arians typically
detest octopus, but you should try some on the April 15th, when Taurus
conjoins with Venus, causing a huge cusp. Remember, you can lead your
grandmother to eggs, but you can't make her suck.
Taurus (21 April-21 May) An angry bus
conductress may knock on your door. Give her some peppermints. Pluto
rules your hair-sign.
Gemini (22 May-21 June) Leeds
and Scunthorpe mean nothing to you. And why should they? Paper-hanging
on the 12th brings tidings of a terpsichorean nature. Avoid shoes, and
anything beginning with 'R' or 'K'
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Cancer (22June 23 July) Good
news from Canada. A parcel containing snow could alter your fortunes
for the better. Look out for traces of penguin.
Leo (24 July-23 August) So-called friends
invite you to a squirrel-shooting party. With Venus diving, go at your
peril! A gas leak irritates, especially on the 9th.
Virgo (24 August-23 September) Although you
cannot wear tartan socks with shorts, you do. A small electric
shock on the 30th causes disproportionate mayhem.
Libra (24 September-23 October) Ah ha! Just
as I thought! Everyone knows where you got that tan! And why are you
walking like that? The first week in October will bode well for tall
Librans, but beware of cows, bicycles, and chess sets.
Scorpio (24 October-23 November) A house
guest steals your pyjamas, leaving a small porcelain hedgehog in their
place.
Saggitarius (24 November-21 December) Your dining
room floor is covered in peas around the 23rd. The problem with peas
is they are too round. Unless they are mushy, any sort of slope can
cause them to roll off the plate. Tiny weights, glued to the underside
of the peas should solve this problem.
©2005 The Amazing Marzo
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