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"OUT OF MY WAY JUNIOR - this is an arse parcel!"
THIS MONTH'S HANDY HINTS ARE SPONSORED BY ARSE TRUCKING
1. ALWAYS SHELTER UNDERWATER IN A THUNDERSTORM
2. NEVER EAT MUSHROOMS WHICH ARE SURROUNDED BY DEAD ANIMALS
3. AN EGG CUP CAN BE USED AS A N EYE BATH. REMOVE EGG AND REPLACE WITH EYE
4. CATTLE OR SHEEP ARE BEST KEPT INDOORS, AWAY FROM WOLVES
5. BEFORE RETIRING, ALWAYS CHECK THE BED FOR RAZOR BLADES
6. WHEN SWIMMING, TRY PUTTING PIECES OF LEAD OR CONCRETE IN YOUR SHOES
7. ALWAYS TRY TO BLINK AT LEAST THREE TIMES DURING THE DAY, AND ONCE IN THE EVENING
8. A LIVE HAND GRENADE WHISKED IN AN ELECTRIC BLENDER IS AN EXCELLENT PARTY TRICK
9. TO COOL DOWN ON A HOT DAY, DRINK BLEACH, OR DRAIN CLEANER WITH A SLICE OF LEMON
10. A SEAGULL, GLUED TO THE ROOF OF YOUR CAR, IS A CHEAP ALTERNATIVE TO A CAR ALARM
11. USING A GLOVE PUPPET CAN OFTEN MAKE FRENCH PEOPLE UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER
12. SHOULD A LADY LADDER HER TIGHTS, THE FAN BELT OF A CAR CAN BE USED AS A TEMPORARY REPLACEMENT